When we look to other people for approval—whether it’s the approval that we are good enough, that our technique looks good, or the validation that we are a good player—this ends up becoming a distraction.
You can become too focused on them. So now, you’re only confident if another person tells you you’re good.
A lot of times, this also leads to fear. If you’re looking to other people for validation, you might become afraid of losing that approval. You begin to worry that others won’t think you’re a good player anymore.
It’s natural to care about what your coach, teammates, or parents think—but it’s really important that we don’t rely on that for our own value and validation.
Building Confidence from Within
The main way to manage this need for approval—what we can call social approval—is to focus on actively giving yourself that approval.
The reason I say actively is because it’s unlikely you’ll just make the switch overnight from worrying about what others think to suddenly not caring at all.
This has to be a continual process—a practice you go through every single day where you work to validate yourself.
Example: The Basketball Player Who Always Looked at His Coach
I was working with a basketball player who told me that during games, he constantly looked at his coach.
- If he missed a shot—he looked at coach.
- If he turned the ball over—he looked at coach.
- If he got beat on defense—he looked at coach.
He was watching for coach’s body language, facial expressions, or reactions. Essentially, he was thinking, “Is coach mad at me?”
Now, imagine playing a game while running up and down the court and constantly checking your coach every few possessions.
- Is that player fully locked into the game?
- Is he able to bounce back from mistakes quickly?
- Is he able to make in-game adjustments?
No. Because he’s focused on his coach, not himself.
And what happens when the coach’s facial expression is bad—when the coach is mad about a turnover? The player’s confidence drops, his aggressiveness fades, and he starts playing more tense and timid. Ironically, that just leads to more mistakes.
The Active Process: Shifting Focus Back to Yourself
This basketball player needed an active process to keep his focus on himself.
That’s a huge part of this: during games and practices, you have to make sure you’re not constantly trying to figure out what your coach or teammates are thinking.
The first step is recognizing how much attention you’re giving to others’ opinions and approval.
Once you do that, the next step is to limit the time and energy you spend looking to them.
Defining Your Own Success Each Day
The main part of this strategy is giving yourself what I call your definition of success for that day.
This means identifying a set of controllable actions or behaviors so that by the end of practice or a game, you can honestly say, “I did well today because I stuck to these actions.”
You have to be careful not to choose outcomes that are out of your control. Instead, select goals that are 100% within your control.
For the basketball player, we defined success as:
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Staying focused on productive and positive thoughts.
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Being aggressive on offense—driving to the basket and taking open shots.
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Pressuring the ball on defense.
Notice that we didn’t say, “Make all your shots.” The goal was simply to take good shots and play aggressively.
These were chosen because he knew that when he focused on those things, he played better.
Evaluating and Validating Yourself After Games
Before each game, set your goals and objectives. Then after practice or games, get into the habit of evaluating and validating what you did that day.
This doesn’t mean you have to lie to yourself or pretend everything went perfectly. But there’s always something positive you did—no matter how the game went.
If you only feel good when others tell you that you played well, you’re giving away your power to build confidence.
We need to take that power back.
After every practice or game, reflect:
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Did I stick to my objectives today?
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What did I do well?
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What can I improve next time?
There will be days when you didn’t stick to your plan. That’s okay. Still identify something positive—maybe you picked up your teammates, stayed composed, or hustled even when things weren’t going well.
Taking Back Control of Your Confidence
The ultimate goal is to build the habit of:
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Keeping your attention on yourself.
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Knowing what you need to do each practice and game.
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Seeing the positives in your performance for yourself—not waiting for others to validate you.
That’s how you take back control of your approval and validation as an athlete.
Within one-on-one coaching, I’ve found the best way to do this is by setting goals before games, evaluating afterward, and actively seeing the good in your performance.
If you’re struggling with needing other people’s approval to feel good about yourself as a player, try this process out.
And like if you’re interested in my one-on-one coaching program, click here to schedule a free introductory coaching call, or fill out the form below to learn more.
I’ve also created two online mental training courses for athletes:
And if you’re more of a reader, check out my books:
Thank you for reading and I wish you the best of success in all that you do.
